10 Good Jokes
Published: 10/30/2011 by goall.com
Now get ready to lauph!
I was half way through having sex with a beautiful woman last night, and I whispered to her, "Do you fancy going on top for a while?" She replied, "This is your first rape, isn't it..."
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend,'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
I knocked at my neighbor's door today.
"Your son has just run out in front of my car," I snapped. "I nearly killed him."
"I'm so sorry," she gasped. "He won't be doing it again."
"I know he won't," I replied. "The paramedic said that he was probably paralyzed..."
Scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived...
Last night at the bar I got so plastered I could barely walk, We got kicked out and wandered the town looking for women and more booze until finally passing out. When I woke up this morning I saw I was naked in bed with a hideous beast of a woman.
That's when I knew that I had made it home safely.
Holmes: What can we tell by the bite marks on the breasts?
Watson: We can tell that I shouldn't be left alone with a body...
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers?
Well, here it is: There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Pap Pap, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse's ass, blind bastard, dipshit, Muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"
Bloke in a nightclub walks up to a big fat ugly woman at the bar and asks her: "Have you got a pen?" She looks up and smiles anticipating an exchange of numbers "Yes" she said "I have".
"Well then" says he "You'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!"
At the welfare office a man walked in to pick up his welfare check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The aboriginal just plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull shittin' me!'
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'
Whats the difference between a woman and a condom?
That's a trick question, there is no difference they are either on your cock or in your wallet.